hopin everything is goin ok with my roommate, but i cant say much about that situation, not my story to tell
so i sat in the basement of the library for 4 1/2 hours with my roommate, it was kinda creepy though, we were afraid we were gonna get locked in there, lol. it was gettin late and there's never anyone on the ground floor on saturdays
plus someone was in there playin the flute, and cuz of the echo it sounded so creepy...like horror movie creepy right before the psycho comes out and tries to kill you.
may i be random and say that i hate the libraries elevators. they are the creepiest things ever!!!!
one night me, my roommate, and my friend rachel went to the library, we wanted to go study on the sixth floor,
so the elevator was kinda just sitting open as we were walking up to it.
then as soon as my roommate stepped into it the doors shut and we had no idea where the elevator was headed.
it scared the mess outta me!!!!
i already dont like elevators, jus cuz i have this thing about areas without windows or some kinda connection to outside, idk. its not claustrophobia or anything cuz i dont freak out or anything but i really just hate closed spaces.
so me n rach are freakin out tryna figure out where the heck the elevator sent my roommate.
it was cool though cuz we jus called her, it sent her down to ground.
then today while i was tryna find some books for my english paper (6-8 pages, due tuesday, barely started, lol) i walked up six flights of stairs cuz i was not about to get on that crazy elevator by myself.
then when we were about to leave, my roommate screamed like the elevator was broke or something while we were on it just to scare me...>_<
i was so mad...grrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!
anywayz, i feel like i should have accomplished so much more for 4 1/2 hours, ya kno?
i pretty much finished my academic plan, and got 12 books for my paper, which is good i guess but i just feel like i could do better.
sometimes i feel so inadequate. especially here at college, where there are so many people who went to really high ranked high school and are so aware of the world and politics and are just so knowledgable about everything.
growing up in school district that was on academic watch for two years, and where the teachers went on strike for half a year is really a setback.
my mom always tells me how proud she is of me, and how smart i am...
i mean i was salutatorian (ranked second) of my class of 250...but that doesnt feel like enough alot of the time...
there were so many people in my class who were 10 times smarter than me but they just wouldnt apply themselves, so i feel like i only recieved that honor because the smarter kids were lazy, or rebelious.
idk, i just think that i'm really not as great as alot of people think...
people tell me "awww, ur so sweet!" and "you have such a great personality" and "your such a good person" but i just feel like all of these things are so untrue!!!
i can be really mean sometimes, and i'm NO WHERE NEAR perfect, plus i am always doin things wrong and i dont retain information very well (as in for school), and sometimes i can be so lazy.
idk, and it feels like i'm living a lie sometimes and maybe thats why i cant seem to find a boyfriend...
it just seems like everyone can seem to find someone, even someone who breaks there heart.
i cant even find someone like that.
i was talkin to this guy jon, and we were kinda together for like the end of my senior year, but we werent an official couple cuz we knew i was about to go to college, but we did say we were gonna at least stay in contact and spend some time together during the summer. but then he just stopped calling me and wouldnt answer my text messages.
and when i finally talked to him (after about 3 months of not talking) he apologized for acting that way and said it was only because he didnt wanna get in the way, and how i had so much potential for college or watever and he didnt wanna hold me back. but i told him that he wasnt holding me back, and how it made me feel so unwanted and bad about myself.
he once again apologized and said that he still wantd to be with me but he thinks we should wait, and that he would start calling me
but wouldnt ya kno it, that was back in september and i havnt talkd to him since
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sarcasm intended)
sometimes i really hate how self concious i can be.
but i cant help it, it seems like all of my past relationships have been so meaningless and the one time i thought everything was right and that it would last, it falls apart.
then i get to college and i meet someone who i thought liked me, zach
but zach is just one of the meanest people
he flirted with me, and would come to my room to hang out with me.
one day i was up in his room, and we were talking and flirting so much, lol
he even tried to get me to sleep (just sleep for you dirty minded ppl!!) in his room
but i said no,
then the next day i get an IM saying that he needed to apologize, because he was thinkin of someone else the whole time i was there...
now what kind of emotional state would that put you in??
cuz it pretty much screwed me up
THEN he came and talked to me like 3 days later, sayin he had been thinking that whole weekend and how wrong it was to have done that to me and that he realized that he really did like me and that he wanted to be with me.
BS!!!!!
cuz the next day i was on facebook, IM'ing him and one of those updates came up that he was now in an open relationship, and i asked him if he meant with me (lmao, so i could change mine too. HAHA!!!)
and of course it wasnt with me but with the girl back in cincy that he was thinkin about the night i was in his room...
man did i feel stupid HAHA!!!!!
so we were 'talking' for about 24 hours, isnt that freakin awesome!!!!!!
man...that made me feel horrible
wats even worse, i'm still friends with him...am i desperate or what?
btw, he was one of those people telling me i had a great personality, so how legit could that statement be considering nothing he says has any meaning to it...
but anyway, i dont even like him anymore but i really think that there has to be something wrong with me, something wrong that i'm doin, cuz i'm the only common factor (hehe i just quoted a song, "is it me" by stacie orrico, listen to it its a good song! i swear she must'v read my freakin mind!!! well the writer must have, cuz i dont think she wrote it, lol)
idk, i just want someone, who likes me for me, someone i can talk to, someone that can make me laugh and hold me when i cry...
ok, i'm getting sad now...
i need to stop.
dang!! i'v been typing for over an hour!!
i should prolly go to bed, so i can be productive tomorrow, or i'll end up stressed.
and i hate being stressed, i think thats why i wanted to start this blog. to relieve my stress.
...
i think i've finally run out of things to say for tonight...
o yea!! i said i'd start putting my old peotry on here...
writing about the kind of boyfriend i want reminded me of this poem i wrote in the 9th grade.
lol, its funny how this still applies to my life, most people grow out of their old poetry...
watever, i'm not gonna start beating myself up about my peotry...
well, here it is...
~Someone~
I'm looking for that special someone to hold me tight
Love and comfort me all threw the night
Someoneto talk to about the stupidest things
Someone to care for me and tell me beautiful things
Someone I can laugh with, someone to be my friend
Someone to reassure me that the great feeling he gives me will never end
Someone to call my boyfriend, someone to call my man
Someone who will want to hold me just because he can
Someone to care if I'm hurt, sick or mad
Someone to be ther when I need advice, help or I'm sad
Someone who wont play games or mess with my emotion
Someone who is willing to give me anything, the sun, stars, an ocean
SOmeone with that special touch that makes my kneew go weak
Someone who'll praise GOD for every work I speak
Someone who loves me, even when his boys are around
Someone who know when I need to vent, not to make a sound
It seems I'm asking alot of my future man
Seems like i'm asking just because I can
All thats expected of him, should be expected of me
This is how my relationship with that special someone should be
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
wow, ummm...
as i was typing i realized how bad this poem is...
it took all the power within me not to change it as i typed...
please be reminded that this was 9th grade and that my more recent ones are MUCH better
ok, goodnight...
~!~Ki~!~
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