so yea...
i have a very very very long blog in the works. but it might take a couple days
especially because its pretty much highlighting my reevaluation of my identity.
i dnt think i'm coming up with any solutions so far but hopefully i will
so i'm chillin in the lounge right now, doing stupid hmwk...
i really hate hmwk, lol'
plus i'm ready to go home. i want to see my fam...
but watev. this blog entry is really just a distraction from my work...
i'm actually really hungry...
hey guess what i'm starting up poetry writing again...
but i think i'v regressed, lol
the one i started is really not that good right now.
hopefully it will get better...
watev. i'm on the phone with my mommy so...
dueces!!!
~!~Ki~!~

i dont wanna study math, i wanna go to the party =( ...stupid finals

so today was not as productive as i wanted it to be.
i still have two 2 page essays to write for philosophy by wednesday, and a math final to study for...
not to mention my BAI and sociology (which i just heard is impossibly hard) finals on thursday...
plus...
i went to a party tonight, lol
i think i needed to go before christmas break, cuz its been a while.
the last party i went to was the POD banquet party on nov 21
so i needed to get away from hmwk/studying
watev i had fun, and now i'm going to bed
i'm gonna try to wake up early tomorrow... ya kno get an early start on studying
i really need to do well on my math and sociology final...
o real quick, so one day, after my roomates bday we went up to the 6th floor to visit an RA (once again not my story to tell)
now i thought, ok the RA's room comes befor zachs so i never even have to pass his door
well wouldnt u kno it the RA is in their lounge and so is zach
so not only was i awkwardly trying not to pay any attention to him
but of course the RA noticed that i was trying to ignore him...
grrrr him for knowing everything!!!
but really it was only awkward for alittle while, after a while it was no big deal
i trying to get to the point where he is like a stranger to me,
like i might glance in his direction but his presence makes no difference to me
but yea, not about to start talking to much about him
i think i'm alot happier and life is so much simpler without him,
which is very good =)
i'll find someone so much better someday...
well thats all, jus thought i'd give a recap, i dont wanna be on here all night
gotta wake up tomorrow...dueces!
~!~Ki~!~

ok, i'm studying for finals...
which is not very fun, but i gotta do it
i'm actually very proud of myself, i have alot done for my geo test
which is tomorrow =P
i only have one question left on the review sheet
then i can move on to philosophy, which is a take home final (WOOOO!!!!!!... no really, i wish all of my finals were take home essays or just a final paper like in english)
bt anywayz,
i decided to take a little break, ya kno facebook, myspace, blog, the whole shabang
yesterday was my roomie's bday!!!
and Christmas on Campus
the COC part wasnt that great b/c my roomates kid didnt come (the campus allows us to adopt children to walk around with and there's a carnival and shows and arts/crafts for them to do)
plus we had to perform wit EHS at the chapel which took up alot of time
next year i refuse to sing for EHS and i'm def adopting a kid
but anywho, her bday festivities were fun
we ordered pizza, watched dreamgirls and her parents ordered a cake for her that was delivered to the dorm.
it was alot of fun
i wish i coulda did more for her bday though
i made her a card and brought her a cute hair clip, but i wanted to decorate the room and stuff
but i got so busy with srudying and all of my art supplies are still at home
but i think she still enjoyed herself
today, my life is pretty much devoted to finals (=P)
geo for most of the day, then workin on some philosophy and math...
i'll prolly write again later as another study break
dueces
~!~Ki~!~

yea, i dont do sad anymore =)

so i've officially decided,
i dont do sad anymore
i have to much good in my life to be sad
plus sad is time consuming
who has time for sad????
and y would you want to make time for sad???
nope, def dnt do sad anymore, lol
God loves me
He protects me
He comforts me
He forgives me
He provides for me
He thinks i'm wonderful
and He understands when i make mistakes
my parents love me
they are proud of me
they provide for me
and will always think i'm great
my friends are fun
they like me at the least
they are there for me to talk to when i need a peer perspective
and they care
so if i have GOD, my fam and my friends
why on earth do i need to be sad????
haha
i love life <3
no more sad
i dont do sad =D
~!~Ki~!~

the end of the semester!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am not looking forward to finals...
ugghhh...
at least classes are over for the semester!!!!
my first final is geology on saturday
then philosophy and math on wednesday
and BAI and sociology on thursday.
THEN THE SEMESTER IS OVER FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
man i cant wait to go home...=)
~!~Ki~!~

i'm kinda in a pissy mood,
boys suck
relationships suck
school sucks
finals suck
papers suck
professors suck
lack of sleep sucks
life in general right now just...sucks...
sorry to be such a downer but thats the point of this blog, to get my feelings out
and right now my feelings are bad, pissy, sad, angry, and confused as ever
...

~!~Ki~!~

so whats wrong with me????????

so i told him he's f'ing hilarious (via facebook chat)
and he told me that he thinks its best if we stop talking because him and the girl are getting really serious...
so this is my life, i get my heart broken so that he can have a happy ending...
thats great
so now my question is,
where's my happy ending??
where's my knight in shining armor?
where's my happiness?
do i not deserve to be happy?
and what am i doing wrong??????
i have nothing left to even say
...........
~!~Ki~!~

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this dude cracks me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so his facebook status says that he loves her!
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
after he told me two days ago that she's "technically not his girlfriend"!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
so he really must be confident in knowing that he can have everything his way
L-O-Freakin-L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dang, he must not know who i am, cuz i dnt play that
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he is officially cut!!!!!!
i'll find my happy end somewhere else
and shoot, i have friends so i dnt need him
hehe
he is so funny...=D
~!~Ki~!~

i really just want life to be simple...if only for alittle while, i'd be satisfied

dang its been a while

everything has been kinda crazy, wit teachers tryna fit everything into the semester cause its almost over;

final papers;

and then the finals i'ma have to take in a week

but yea, life has been alittle crazy

I FINALLY GOT TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol, thanksgiving break was so fun and restful

i got to spend time with the fam, i took my siblings to the movies

{lol we saw HSM3 =) }

and i got to see my friends, ari, mina, and nae'

we didnt do much, we were just chillin over mina house for like 6 hours, lol

but u kno, thats how good friends are, we can spend hours on end wit each other doin absolutely nothin

i <3 fam =)
when i came back i had a ton of work to do though


i have a philosophy paper due today, i finished it last night


then i started workin on my final english paper, the rough draft is due today and i just started it last night, lol


i did pretty well though, its supposed to be 5 pages and i have 2 so far, the final draft isnt due until tuesday


WE DNT HAVE CLASS MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


lol, i'm excited =)


anyways...


so of course there is information on zach...


he's been talking to me alot, like on facebook n stuff


on monday he came to my room just to say bye to me before he went to work


?????????????????????????????????????????????????????


???????????????????????????????????


pure confusion


then last night, he was IM'ing me from work


and he "confessed" (his word not mine) that he has feelings for me and that if it werent for his "situation" (once again his word) he would try to be with me


....


now wat the heck was i supposed to say to that??????????????????????????


no one is forcing him to be with the girl in cincy!!!!!!!!!!


no one said he has to be such a jerkface!!!!!!!!!!! (lol roomies word)
idk
the worse part is i still like him too
cuz we'v been talking to each other since the summertime (on virtual orientation)
so we were getting to kno each other then
so idk, maybe because we were talkin for so long (jus as friends) i developed alittle crush
THAT WONT GO AWAY!!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >=(
y do i get myself into these situations?? i mean seriously????????
wat the heck is wrong wit me?????????
watev, at least today is pretty much over...
except for the mounds of hmwk...
O! GOOD NEWS!!
I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY NO MORE BEING POOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol {if you cant tell, i'm excited =) }
i dnt start till january 12 but i'm jus hapy to kno i'll have a job next semester
and i'm not worried about it being to overwhelming because my schedule is freakin awesome!
i dnt hav any classes before 10:00 and the job involves calling pples houses,
so they cant have me callin early in the morning!! which means no work in the morning =D =D =D =D =D =D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but anywayz...
i'm happy about that, kinda tired right now though
i stayed up till one starting my english paper,
then woke up a half hour early cuz i had to actually get dressed for class cuz i had to go to my meeting with my employer right after class
then i went straight to Artstreet for english class
then i went to eat wit my roommate and kai, then philosophy class...
and now i have hmwk...
i'm definetly feelin the lack of sleep...
i think i'll take a nap and start my hmwk at 7...ish...maybe...hopefully?
lol, no i'll do it, its jus that now i'm kinda tired...
maybe i'll blog again later {prolly not, lol}
dueces!

~!~Ki~!~

i'm sittin in geology, watchin the day after tomorrow (i hate it cuz its kinda scarin me, i dnt mess around wit the weather) but anywayz...
i havent written in a while, i'll recap on life in another blog, prolly tomorrow or somethin
but i just had to give this one update....
I'M GOIN HOME TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=D =D =D =D =D =D =D
i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=D
Havnt been home since august!!! i miss my fam SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok, i'm done, lol
just thought i would let yall know =)
but i will miss my UD peeps,
i hope they all get home safe and hav a great break.
ok, i gotta get off of this now
HOME HERE I COME =D =D =D
~!~Ki~!~

*Exhale..........*

November 13th
So its wednesday and i am finally able to exhale
my paper is done

i stayed up until 4am writing it

then this morning realized that i needed 3 more outside sources

but i fixed it and at least its done and i dnt have to worry about it anymore

and i was able to get some sleep today

(i skipped my philosophy class, which isnt good but when i woke up to go i started feeling dizzy)

my 3 hour nap felt really good...it was exactly what i needed.

i feel alittle unproductive today, prolly because all i did was go geology and english and then i slept.




~!~Ki~!~

a lounge, an english paper, ppl and cha-cha

It is 3am
i am in my lounge
i just got finished with my english paper
i have class at 9am
and i still need to take a shower
my friend allison has officially lost it
she decided to have a convo with the cha-cha people, lol
she's supposed to be doin a paper but she has been sitting here for at least 7 hours and hasnt gotten much done
i will however admit that she is hilarious when she hasnt slept in forever, lol
patrick is here too, but i have no idea y
he isnt doing any work, i guess he just enjoys our company
ok, i really need to take a shower and go to bed
tomorrow i'll talk about more awkwardness with zach and the 'project' concert
goodnight...
~!~Ki~!~

time to play a game!!!!

so its time to play catch up
so ya kno how i was in that weird mood the other day? well of course zach decided that he wanted me to come up to his room and help him with his academic plan.
now every other time i'v been to his room, something bad always happens (emotionally i mean)
so at first i told him no, then i decided to be straight forward with him and let him kno that i was uncomfortable going to his room cuz of the wierd mood i was in and how he played me earlier in the year.
but somehow i ended up in there, helping him with his academic plan.
as i was going upstairs my stomach started hurting (thanx alot roommate)
i was so worried about going up there that i was physically hurting.
i was ok once i got there though.
for once i was able to sit in his room and not have him make things awkward, i was able to have fun without flirting...
BUT...
i think its weird that he keeps talking to me now...
after the whole situation in the beginning of the year, he kinda stopped all contact with me
i think mostly cuz he knew i was mad at him and he had his girl in cincy, so it didnt matter
now all of a sudden he's always IM'ing me and texting me. and randomly coming to my room
i was IM'ing him earlier on facebook and he was talking about my status
he said that i write my status' for him
and i told hime that dont nobody be thinkin bout him
so he said 'you dont think about me?'
AWKWARD FOR THE GUY WITH A FREAKIN GIRLFRIEND RIGHT?!?!?!
so i ignored it, turned off my computer (cuz i was bout to take a nap)
5 minutes later, i get a text askin me if i think about him
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS HE FREAKIN SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?!
i mean, i have to admit that i still kinda like him (roomie dnt say anything!)
but i'm able to put feelings like that aside, until he does awkward stuff like that.
so i just got finished IM'ing him alittle while ago and he (again) talkin bout my status
i called him a dork, so he says 'ok forget you, i thought u loved me'
and apparently i'm bold now and told him that was awkward
and so he asks, 'so you dont?'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?!?!?!
he confuses the heck outta me...
watever, i dnt have time or the emotional stability to be messin wit him an his gf in cincy
ok, i kno this is kinda weird and kinda jumpin to conclusions but
i get this feeling that everytime he's havin trouble with her (like an argument or something) he tries to come mess with me...but i'm not havin that!!!
i'm actually proud of myself for tellin him that he has to stop makin things awkward,
cuz we'r not together and wont be because he just cant seem to get it right.
anyway,
normally tuesdays are the spawn of all evil
because i have class at 9, 12, 3, and 6
all of them are an hour and fifteen minutes except for the 6 oclock class which is 2 hours
now on top of the fact that my tuesday schedule is crazy, i had to wake up a half n hour earlier to meet with my case study group
i had a geology test
my rough draft (which was and still isnt anywhere near done) for my 6 page english paper was due
and i thought i had sectionals for flute today
but somehow everything turned out well. (thank GOD!!!)
i think i did decent on my geology test,
i got away with not having my rough draft for english
we got out of my 6 oclock class early
and sectionals were canceled!!
it was a very good day
plus i dont have BAI tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
lol, i'm in kind of a goofy mood cuz i'm sleepy,
i'm bout to go to sleep, so i can not be sleepy tomorrow morning so i can finish my paper, because the final draft is due thursday, soooo........
goodnight!
O!
poem time =)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Tender Teenage Rage~

Love?

Can you be in love with love?

I find myself always wanting,

wanting to love

and be loved

Will this get me in trouble?

I think it already has...

Constantly thinking about a boy

Not consentrating on what I'm supposed to

Like now,

what am i supposed to be doing?

Not writing about love...

How can I stop my raging heart before it seriously hurts me?

How can I stop myself?

When will it stop?

This tender teenage rage of a 14 year old...

~!~Ki~!~

Feeling very accomplished =)

So i just thought i'd broadcast my accomplishment, lol
i am very proud of myself because i am finished working on my geology for the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is a great feat because science is my worst subject and i was not understanding all of the jiberish. but i went and got help from my professor earlier today cuz we have a test tomorrow
i also finished my academic plan (for my business planning class) and i even had my peer advisor look over it and she said it was good.
now all i have to do is get out 6 pages for my english paper.
but i'm actually excited about the topic so it shouldnt be too hard...
well i just wanted to post a positive blog for once, lol
and broadcast my amazing accomplishment =)
i'll prolly write again later
~!~Ki~!~

not writing for an hour today, lol

ok...so its 1am, and i have a class at 8, and at 9...
soooo
NO WRITING FOR OVER AN HOUR TODAY!!!!!!!
i was really stressed earlier, (which u might have noticed from the blog before this one)
i ended up calling my mom (to tell her an account balance) and ended up crying overr the phone...
bleh =P
i hate crying, it makes me feel so vulnerable, and it gives me a headache...
but i'm glad i was able to call my parents, it made me feel alot better.
i guess cuz alot of the time i want to live up to what they want me to be...
and hearing them say that they will be proud of me even if i dont do so well in school makes me feel much better.
at first i only talked to my mom, but then my dad called me cuz he wanted to talk to me too.
and my dad has this way of knowing just what to say to make me feel good about myself, then laugh, lol
and i think it made me feel so much better this time because he didnt use to be like that...
before 2006 (which, that situation i cant get into right now) he wouldnt called back
he use to be a very inactive, uninvolved father, who was just there to sign my school papers and by me necessities.
but he's so invovled now and i really feel like i can talk to him now,
and i LOVE it =)
I love my family and miss them so much...
i think thats why everything just seems so much worse when i'm stressed.
i havent seen my family in 3 months, and i'm not use to that
the longest i'v ever been from my family is 3 days.
ok, like i said i have class at 8 so i gotta get off now...
sorry, no poem today, now time
~!~Ki~!~