i'm sittin in geology, watchin the day after tomorrow (i hate it cuz its kinda scarin me, i dnt mess around wit the weather) but anywayz...
i havent written in a while, i'll recap on life in another blog, prolly tomorrow or somethin
but i just had to give this one update....
I'M GOIN HOME TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=D =D =D =D =D =D =D
i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=D
Havnt been home since august!!! i miss my fam SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok, i'm done, lol
just thought i would let yall know =)
but i will miss my UD peeps,
i hope they all get home safe and hav a great break.
ok, i gotta get off of this now
HOME HERE I COME =D =D =D
~!~Ki~!~

*Exhale..........*

November 13th
So its wednesday and i am finally able to exhale
my paper is done

i stayed up until 4am writing it

then this morning realized that i needed 3 more outside sources

but i fixed it and at least its done and i dnt have to worry about it anymore

and i was able to get some sleep today

(i skipped my philosophy class, which isnt good but when i woke up to go i started feeling dizzy)

my 3 hour nap felt really good...it was exactly what i needed.

i feel alittle unproductive today, prolly because all i did was go geology and english and then i slept.




~!~Ki~!~

a lounge, an english paper, ppl and cha-cha

It is 3am
i am in my lounge
i just got finished with my english paper
i have class at 9am
and i still need to take a shower
my friend allison has officially lost it
she decided to have a convo with the cha-cha people, lol
she's supposed to be doin a paper but she has been sitting here for at least 7 hours and hasnt gotten much done
i will however admit that she is hilarious when she hasnt slept in forever, lol
patrick is here too, but i have no idea y
he isnt doing any work, i guess he just enjoys our company
ok, i really need to take a shower and go to bed
tomorrow i'll talk about more awkwardness with zach and the 'project' concert
goodnight...
~!~Ki~!~

time to play a game!!!!

so its time to play catch up
so ya kno how i was in that weird mood the other day? well of course zach decided that he wanted me to come up to his room and help him with his academic plan.
now every other time i'v been to his room, something bad always happens (emotionally i mean)
so at first i told him no, then i decided to be straight forward with him and let him kno that i was uncomfortable going to his room cuz of the wierd mood i was in and how he played me earlier in the year.
but somehow i ended up in there, helping him with his academic plan.
as i was going upstairs my stomach started hurting (thanx alot roommate)
i was so worried about going up there that i was physically hurting.
i was ok once i got there though.
for once i was able to sit in his room and not have him make things awkward, i was able to have fun without flirting...
BUT...
i think its weird that he keeps talking to me now...
after the whole situation in the beginning of the year, he kinda stopped all contact with me
i think mostly cuz he knew i was mad at him and he had his girl in cincy, so it didnt matter
now all of a sudden he's always IM'ing me and texting me. and randomly coming to my room
i was IM'ing him earlier on facebook and he was talking about my status
he said that i write my status' for him
and i told hime that dont nobody be thinkin bout him
so he said 'you dont think about me?'
AWKWARD FOR THE GUY WITH A FREAKIN GIRLFRIEND RIGHT?!?!?!
so i ignored it, turned off my computer (cuz i was bout to take a nap)
5 minutes later, i get a text askin me if i think about him
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS HE FREAKIN SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?!
i mean, i have to admit that i still kinda like him (roomie dnt say anything!)
but i'm able to put feelings like that aside, until he does awkward stuff like that.
so i just got finished IM'ing him alittle while ago and he (again) talkin bout my status
i called him a dork, so he says 'ok forget you, i thought u loved me'
and apparently i'm bold now and told him that was awkward
and so he asks, 'so you dont?'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?!?!?!
he confuses the heck outta me...
watever, i dnt have time or the emotional stability to be messin wit him an his gf in cincy
ok, i kno this is kinda weird and kinda jumpin to conclusions but
i get this feeling that everytime he's havin trouble with her (like an argument or something) he tries to come mess with me...but i'm not havin that!!!
i'm actually proud of myself for tellin him that he has to stop makin things awkward,
cuz we'r not together and wont be because he just cant seem to get it right.
anyway,
normally tuesdays are the spawn of all evil
because i have class at 9, 12, 3, and 6
all of them are an hour and fifteen minutes except for the 6 oclock class which is 2 hours
now on top of the fact that my tuesday schedule is crazy, i had to wake up a half n hour earlier to meet with my case study group
i had a geology test
my rough draft (which was and still isnt anywhere near done) for my 6 page english paper was due
and i thought i had sectionals for flute today
but somehow everything turned out well. (thank GOD!!!)
i think i did decent on my geology test,
i got away with not having my rough draft for english
we got out of my 6 oclock class early
and sectionals were canceled!!
it was a very good day
plus i dont have BAI tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
lol, i'm in kind of a goofy mood cuz i'm sleepy,
i'm bout to go to sleep, so i can not be sleepy tomorrow morning so i can finish my paper, because the final draft is due thursday, soooo........
goodnight!
O!
poem time =)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Tender Teenage Rage~

Love?

Can you be in love with love?

I find myself always wanting,

wanting to love

and be loved

Will this get me in trouble?

I think it already has...

Constantly thinking about a boy

Not consentrating on what I'm supposed to

Like now,

what am i supposed to be doing?

Not writing about love...

How can I stop my raging heart before it seriously hurts me?

How can I stop myself?

When will it stop?

This tender teenage rage of a 14 year old...

~!~Ki~!~

Feeling very accomplished =)

So i just thought i'd broadcast my accomplishment, lol
i am very proud of myself because i am finished working on my geology for the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is a great feat because science is my worst subject and i was not understanding all of the jiberish. but i went and got help from my professor earlier today cuz we have a test tomorrow
i also finished my academic plan (for my business planning class) and i even had my peer advisor look over it and she said it was good.
now all i have to do is get out 6 pages for my english paper.
but i'm actually excited about the topic so it shouldnt be too hard...
well i just wanted to post a positive blog for once, lol
and broadcast my amazing accomplishment =)
i'll prolly write again later
~!~Ki~!~

not writing for an hour today, lol

ok...so its 1am, and i have a class at 8, and at 9...
soooo
NO WRITING FOR OVER AN HOUR TODAY!!!!!!!
i was really stressed earlier, (which u might have noticed from the blog before this one)
i ended up calling my mom (to tell her an account balance) and ended up crying overr the phone...
bleh =P
i hate crying, it makes me feel so vulnerable, and it gives me a headache...
but i'm glad i was able to call my parents, it made me feel alot better.
i guess cuz alot of the time i want to live up to what they want me to be...
and hearing them say that they will be proud of me even if i dont do so well in school makes me feel much better.
at first i only talked to my mom, but then my dad called me cuz he wanted to talk to me too.
and my dad has this way of knowing just what to say to make me feel good about myself, then laugh, lol
and i think it made me feel so much better this time because he didnt use to be like that...
before 2006 (which, that situation i cant get into right now) he wouldnt called back
he use to be a very inactive, uninvolved father, who was just there to sign my school papers and by me necessities.
but he's so invovled now and i really feel like i can talk to him now,
and i LOVE it =)
I love my family and miss them so much...
i think thats why everything just seems so much worse when i'm stressed.
i havent seen my family in 3 months, and i'm not use to that
the longest i'v ever been from my family is 3 days.
ok, like i said i have class at 8 so i gotta get off now...
sorry, no poem today, now time
~!~Ki~!~

...laziness

i feel horribly lazy right now...
and by horribly i dont mean in that joking "haha i'm so lazy" type of way,
i literally feel like i'm about to cry.
i hate always having work to do...something i'm supposed to be doing is always hanging over my head.
i feel like i can never get a break, and the breaks i do take do more harm than good.
i just feel like sitting around doin nothing,
watching the rain clouds roll by,
or curling up in my blanket watching a movie with friends.
i feel like i cant accomplish anything...
my english paper could be a real masterpiece if i had time to focus on it...
i mean its pretty much my life, black girl goin to a majority white school...
but i feel like i'ma end up throwing it together at the last minute cuz i have so much else to do, and apparently time is on superfast forward
because days seem to fly now,
you look at the clock at 1
next thing you know its 5:30
like now, i swear it was 12 when i said i was gonna start my homework...
still havent started and its 3:30
...
i thought time only flies when your havin fun...
but time is flying and i'm not having fun today...
...
i have so much homework to do!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
like this geology test, an inevitable failure cuz i dont understand it
never have, even when i pay attention i just dont get science...
this might be why i hate it so much...
not to mention the case study thats due next tuesday that is no where near done...
i really want to cry right now...
but laziness seems to be a stupid reason to cry,
i guess i'm also stressed, but i hate crying when i'm stressed, it doesnt help it seems like it just wastes more time that i dont have...
...i really wanna cry right now...
...
...
...
...
i dont have anything else to say, i hate feeling lazy, i hate being stressed, i hate wanting to cry and i hate that i havent seen my family in over 3 months...
i want to hide...from school...from responsibility...from sadness...from life...
...
~!~Ki~!~

sleepy, but dont wanna go to sleep

so i'm sittin in my room, chillin...
hopin everything is goin ok with my roommate, but i cant say much about that situation, not my story to tell
so i sat in the basement of the library for 4 1/2 hours with my roommate, it was kinda creepy though, we were afraid we were gonna get locked in there, lol. it was gettin late and there's never anyone on the ground floor on saturdays
plus someone was in there playin the flute, and cuz of the echo it sounded so creepy...like horror movie creepy right before the psycho comes out and tries to kill you.
may i be random and say that i hate the libraries elevators. they are the creepiest things ever!!!!
one night me, my roommate, and my friend rachel went to the library, we wanted to go study on the sixth floor,
so the elevator was kinda just sitting open as we were walking up to it.
then as soon as my roommate stepped into it the doors shut and we had no idea where the elevator was headed.
it scared the mess outta me!!!!
i already dont like elevators, jus cuz i have this thing about areas without windows or some kinda connection to outside, idk. its not claustrophobia or anything cuz i dont freak out or anything but i really just hate closed spaces.
so me n rach are freakin out tryna figure out where the heck the elevator sent my roommate.
it was cool though cuz we jus called her, it sent her down to ground.
then today while i was tryna find some books for my english paper (6-8 pages, due tuesday, barely started, lol) i walked up six flights of stairs cuz i was not about to get on that crazy elevator by myself.
then when we were about to leave, my roommate screamed like the elevator was broke or something while we were on it just to scare me...>_<
i was so mad...grrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!
anywayz, i feel like i should have accomplished so much more for 4 1/2 hours, ya kno?
i pretty much finished my academic plan, and got 12 books for my paper, which is good i guess but i just feel like i could do better.
sometimes i feel so inadequate. especially here at college, where there are so many people who went to really high ranked high school and are so aware of the world and politics and are just so knowledgable about everything.
growing up in school district that was on academic watch for two years, and where the teachers went on strike for half a year is really a setback.
my mom always tells me how proud she is of me, and how smart i am...
i mean i was salutatorian (ranked second) of my class of 250...but that doesnt feel like enough alot of the time...
there were so many people in my class who were 10 times smarter than me but they just wouldnt apply themselves, so i feel like i only recieved that honor because the smarter kids were lazy, or rebelious.
idk, i just think that i'm really not as great as alot of people think...
people tell me "awww, ur so sweet!" and "you have such a great personality" and "your such a good person" but i just feel like all of these things are so untrue!!!
i can be really mean sometimes, and i'm NO WHERE NEAR perfect, plus i am always doin things wrong and i dont retain information very well (as in for school), and sometimes i can be so lazy.
idk, and it feels like i'm living a lie sometimes and maybe thats why i cant seem to find a boyfriend...
it just seems like everyone can seem to find someone, even someone who breaks there heart.
i cant even find someone like that.
i was talkin to this guy jon, and we were kinda together for like the end of my senior year, but we werent an official couple cuz we knew i was about to go to college, but we did say we were gonna at least stay in contact and spend some time together during the summer. but then he just stopped calling me and wouldnt answer my text messages.
and when i finally talked to him (after about 3 months of not talking) he apologized for acting that way and said it was only because he didnt wanna get in the way, and how i had so much potential for college or watever and he didnt wanna hold me back. but i told him that he wasnt holding me back, and how it made me feel so unwanted and bad about myself.
he once again apologized and said that he still wantd to be with me but he thinks we should wait, and that he would start calling me
but wouldnt ya kno it, that was back in september and i havnt talkd to him since
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sarcasm intended)
sometimes i really hate how self concious i can be.
but i cant help it, it seems like all of my past relationships have been so meaningless and the one time i thought everything was right and that it would last, it falls apart.
then i get to college and i meet someone who i thought liked me, zach
but zach is just one of the meanest people
he flirted with me, and would come to my room to hang out with me.
one day i was up in his room, and we were talking and flirting so much, lol
he even tried to get me to sleep (just sleep for you dirty minded ppl!!) in his room
but i said no,
then the next day i get an IM saying that he needed to apologize, because he was thinkin of someone else the whole time i was there...
now what kind of emotional state would that put you in??
cuz it pretty much screwed me up
THEN he came and talked to me like 3 days later, sayin he had been thinking that whole weekend and how wrong it was to have done that to me and that he realized that he really did like me and that he wanted to be with me.
BS!!!!!
cuz the next day i was on facebook, IM'ing him and one of those updates came up that he was now in an open relationship, and i asked him if he meant with me (lmao, so i could change mine too. HAHA!!!)
and of course it wasnt with me but with the girl back in cincy that he was thinkin about the night i was in his room...
man did i feel stupid HAHA!!!!!
so we were 'talking' for about 24 hours, isnt that freakin awesome!!!!!!
man...that made me feel horrible
wats even worse, i'm still friends with him...am i desperate or what?
btw, he was one of those people telling me i had a great personality, so how legit could that statement be considering nothing he says has any meaning to it...
but anyway, i dont even like him anymore but i really think that there has to be something wrong with me, something wrong that i'm doin, cuz i'm the only common factor (hehe i just quoted a song, "is it me" by stacie orrico, listen to it its a good song! i swear she must'v read my freakin mind!!! well the writer must have, cuz i dont think she wrote it, lol)
idk, i just want someone, who likes me for me, someone i can talk to, someone that can make me laugh and hold me when i cry...
ok, i'm getting sad now...
i need to stop.
dang!! i'v been typing for over an hour!!
i should prolly go to bed, so i can be productive tomorrow, or i'll end up stressed.
and i hate being stressed, i think thats why i wanted to start this blog. to relieve my stress.
...
i think i've finally run out of things to say for tonight...
o yea!! i said i'd start putting my old peotry on here...
writing about the kind of boyfriend i want reminded me of this poem i wrote in the 9th grade.
lol, its funny how this still applies to my life, most people grow out of their old poetry...
watever, i'm not gonna start beating myself up about my peotry...
well, here it is...

~Someone~

I'm looking for that special someone to hold me tight

Love and comfort me all threw the night

Someoneto talk to about the stupidest things

Someone to care for me and tell me beautiful things

Someone I can laugh with, someone to be my friend

Someone to reassure me that the great feeling he gives me will never end

Someone to call my boyfriend, someone to call my man

Someone who will want to hold me just because he can

Someone to care if I'm hurt, sick or mad

Someone to be ther when I need advice, help or I'm sad

Someone who wont play games or mess with my emotion

Someone who is willing to give me anything, the sun, stars, an ocean

SOmeone with that special touch that makes my kneew go weak

Someone who'll praise GOD for every work I speak

Someone who loves me, even when his boys are around

Someone who know when I need to vent, not to make a sound

It seems I'm asking alot of my future man

Seems like i'm asking just because I can

All thats expected of him, should be expected of me

This is how my relationship with that special someone should be

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

wow, ummm...

as i was typing i realized how bad this poem is...

it took all the power within me not to change it as i typed...

please be reminded that this was 9th grade and that my more recent ones are MUCH better

ok, goodnight...

~!~Ki~!~

library =P

i am sitting in the library, doing homework...
i hate that i can only be productive while sitting in the library, its so far from my dorm and is kind of a hassle.
i have a paper to write, a geology test to study for, a case study in geology to research for and i have to plan my life for the next 4 years...
and all of this has to be done by tuesday. isnt that wonderful.
i really dont feel like doing anything school related right now, but i will admit that i enjoy doing my academic plan (the next four years of my life), so maybe i'll do that now or after i finish finding these books for my paper. bleh =P
well gotta go be productive now...maybe i'll write later, but not before i go to bed, i'm goin to a party so i wont be back till late...
watevs, bye =)
~!~Ki~!~
ps. me+coffee= headache, not good =(

finance, victory, cupid shuffle, skipping and poems: GOOD DAY =)

so today has been a fairly good day.
this morning i was on super fast forward. running around for like 5 hours but after that everything was pretty chill.
i sat in the lounge for a while and did homework. i'm actually really proud of myself i got alot of work done, so hopefully i'll be able to relax for the majority of the weekend especially cuz i dont have band tomorrow, WOOOOOO!!!!
i did have band today, but it was only a mini band gig. we performed like 5 songs at the girls volleyball game.
I...HAD...SOOO...MUCH...FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we were dancin, and laughin sooooooo hard at everything!! lol
then the ppl who are also members of the pep band (for basketball season) decided, "lets make the xavier (our rival team) girls cry. so they started yelling things like, "your fat!!" and chanting "celulite!!".
it was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!
then they got a program with a list of the girls on the teams names, and it got worse
they started yelling out individual girls names and saying mean things to them like "Jen your mother hates you!!!!!!!!!!" and "Claira your fat and ugly!!!"
it was so bad, yet so funny, lol
then they randomly decided "lets yell 'ugly' everytime an xavier touches the ball, and lets yell 'hot' everytime a dayton girl touches the ball"
i almost peed my pants, rachel and i cracked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D
it went, "hot, hot, ugly....ugly...hot, ugly, ugly...hot...hot...hot...ugly...ugly,ugly,ugly" and it just sounded so rediculous but soooooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!
then near the end of the game they were playing music and the cupid shuffle came on and we started dancing to it, and lord know how much i love to dance!!!!!!!
i even danced with a random fan, lol
after the game i came back to the dorm and hung out wit my 3mc girlies,lol. <3>
then my roomate, patrick and i realized we were hungry so we went to the Empo to go get some food.
...lol, patrick and i decided..........................................................
WAIT!!...how the heck is it midnite already??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?...dang time flies when your trying to console your upset roommate, but we wont get into that, its too painful. i seriously thought it was only like 11 and its past midnight, wow.................................
so anyway, patrick and i decided lets skip down the hill to the Empo... IT...WAS...SO...FUN!!!!!
skipping gives you some kinda stress release, it has to cuz it was somehow refreshing to skip down a hill. i have no idea why but it was.
maybe its because skipping is sometimes a reaction to happiness. idk, but i do kno it was fun, lol =)
so i guess now i'll go to bed, cuz i wanna go to walmart tomorrow and that would require me being up in time to get on one of the shuttles. plus i still have a ton of homework to do (despite my high productivity earlier today and pretty much all this week).
but before i go, i'v decided that i'm gonna start posting poetry on here. but i havnt written any in a while so i'ma post some of my old stuff (old meaning 9th grade stuff, i think i'll start from my first few poems, like the ones i started writing for myself and not for class)
but not tonight cuz most of them are sad and i'm not in a sad mood at all =), lol
but i just thought i'd give a heads up
...ok, sleep time, now
goodnight =)

~!~Ki~!~

*exhale (but only alittle)*
so i'm finally off fast forward, able to take a breather, sit down and actually eat!!!
i'v been up since 7:30, its now 12:15 and this is my first time eating all day
my stomach was about to jump up my throat and attack me
my advisor meeting went well, i got alot of things cleared up
i might be declaring a major in finance next school year with a minor in OPS
so i guess after i finish eating i'll do some more homework, i'll prolly take a nap around 2 (especially cuz my roommate had me at the library until almost 2 am)
......yea definitly takin a nap, or i wont make it through the volleyball game (yay mini bands=]!!)

~!~Ki~!~

*holding breath.......................................................................................*
i'v been on fast forward all morning.
still holding my breath cuz the craziness is not over.
i stayed in the library last night until 1:30am woke up at 7:20, had class until 10:50, ran 4 laps, took a shower and rushed to Mariam Hall for my peer advisor meeting.
i'm waiting for her right now, so when the meeting is over i'll finally be able to exhale.
*still holding breath..................................................................*

~!~Ki~!~

so i'm sittin in geology, not paying attention
right now this blog is just my distraction, i'll write a better one later
i really dont like science, its so boring, and confusing
i have never enjoyed science, i can never stay focused on it, or completely understand it
and when i do completely understand they add something else to it that makes it confusing!!!!
i prolly should be paying attention, i havnt done very well on the past two tests...
o well, the semester is almost over, i'm passing and i dont have to take science next semester!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
actually, i'm kinda disappointed in myself, i'm not use to struggling like this in school. it seems like i got to junior year and my intelligence declined slowly. i feel like i'm not as smart as i should be, especially to have been ms salutatorian of my class. i feel like i'm so behind in this school, or like i just dont have the ability to retain information. maybe i'm just being silly, doubting myself. but i dnt know.
dang....
i need to stop before i get back in that weird mood i was in yesterday...
i dnt want to be in that mood again, its not fun
well geology is over so i g2g
~!~Ki~!~

why do i feel so sad??

I dont have much time to write, i have POD in a lil while
i just dont understand why i get these random sad spells
right now i feel kinda bad about myself
i feel sad cuz i miss my fam
i feel left out because i feel like i'm not making friendships like everyone else here
i feel overwhelmed because i have sooooooooooooo much school work to do and not enough time to do it
not to mention i'm not doin as well as i hoped in my classes
i feel like i'll never figure out what i'm gonna do with the rest of my life and
i just wanna get some decent sleep for once
...............ok
i really just needed to vent
now i gotta go before i'm late for band and ms gross ends my existance

November 4, 2008- The First Black President is elected into office!

Barak Obama is now our President!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not a huge follower of politics, honestly i dnt know much about government.
However, I do know that Obama is against the war in Iraq, as I am
His vice president is not Sarah Palin, which would just be a disaster
He is a Democrat, as I am
And he is a part of my culture, which might sound rascist and like only only voted for him because he is black, but that isnt true.
However this is a great moment in African American History, this can not be ignored like many black accomplishments have in the past.
I ask that God blesses and protects our new president, because as we all know there are still those who are very racist and this election has been very controversal.
And I can only pray that all of those who are very bitter about the outcome of this election will be mature about the situation and make the best of the situation, even though they didnt vote for Obama.
He said that "{he} is the {their} president too".
He is here, this is his term, so dont sit and mope about it, tell him what you want. He is all for change, we can decide what change we want him to make.
So to all those who are bitter, be positive and mature about it, please.
I am very proud of Obama (aka Mr. President), and hope that he will have a successful term.